Quick Parenting Tips
Communication might be the single most challenging thing we do as human beings.
We constantly communicate many messages through body language, tone of voice, and underlying goals or objectives that drive our questioning or responses. Be compassionate with yourself first. No shame or blame here, just content.
Communication often gets miscommunicated by our tone. While there are many tones to consider when speaking, your value system may shed light on what works best for you. In my experience, there tend to be two trends with communication from parents to children/teens/adult-children. Communicating with criticism and communicating with evaluation.
Evaluation
In this category, you are attempting to be a curious reporter; who, what, when, where, and why. However, in your search for the information, you do not judge, criticize, blame, or shame the responses since that gets in the way of learning a full story to report. The significant challenge for staying in this mindset is patience. Are you brave enough to hear everything without urgency to change or fix things?
Criticism
In this category, you are attempting to control and “get to the bottom of things,” The comparison here is a police interrogator. Who, what, when, where, and why still are critical questions, but in this role, the focus is to apply blame and shame, often creating an incomplete story. Although essential in the judicial system, not necessary for parenting. The major challenge for this mindset is you are creating distance and shifting responsibility. What’s your part in the whole story?
Close the gap between evaluation and criticism by asking the same questions with a different tone and intent.
Evaluation
A quick tip to be in evaluation is to be reflective and seek for confirmation of understanding before you move on to a new question.
“Wow, I can see how that would feel isolating if your friends didn’t respond. Is that why you wanted to (insert unhelpful coping like self-harm, substance use, anger)?”
Quick Thought Experiment: Set this scene in your mind, you sit down in front of a reporter, they take out their notebook or press play on a recorder and ask, “So why’d you lie?” What tone of voice did you imagine the reporter asking you that question in?
Criticism
A quick sign you are being received as critical is if your child/teen is shaking, fearful of answering, stuttering, or not wanting to share further (stonewalling).
“Wow, I can’t believe you would (insert unhelpful coping like self-harm, substance use, anger). Are you even trying to get better?'“
Quick Thought Experiment: Set this scene in your mind, you sit down in front of a police interrogation, they take out their notebook or press play on a recorder and ask, “So why’d you lie?” What tone of voice did you imagine the interrogator asking you that question in?
Just because you are in the criticism category does not mean you are a “bad” parent. Life is a journey and there may be many reasons you tend to criticize.
Therapy might be a helpful place to start if you are having trouble shifting mindsets. There’s no shame in getting help.
Questions for exploration and an opportunity to practice being a curious reporter with yourself:
What do you feel your role as a parent is?
Where did you develop that belief, and how’s that going?
What changes are you making to your parenting from how you were parented?
With the most compassion possible, why are these changes you're making so important to you?
What role does shame play in your belief about yourself as a parent?
The top two sources of shame for females are physical appearance and motherhood, while for men, it is a perception of weakness.
Parenting Styles
Whether you see your goal as a parent to create a fully functioning adult by age 18, or if you see your role as a parent to model healthy living and hope they will pick up and do what you do (monkey see, monkey do, right?), or maybe you see your role as a cautionary tale to avoid all mistakes you have made.
Evaluating is a critical part of emotion regulation. By learning to evaluate ourselves without shame, we give ourselves grace and the opportunity to move forward in a new direction.
Bittersweet Reality of Parenting
Many clinicians in the office use a popular personality theory: the enneagram. Within the enneagram is a "basic fear" or "pain point" and a "basic desire" or "hope" that drives the balance of a personality forward. For example, a “1” or "Reformer" basic fear is of being corrupt, defective, or evil, and their primary desire is to be good, to live with integrity, and find balance. The bittersweet reality is that every number has a basic fear and hope. For example, the “2” or "Helper" fear is being unwanted and unworthy of love, while the desire is to be loved.
Since personality development is genetic and environmental, every personality will have its strengths and weaknesses, and your parenting will influence their development. Therefore, there is no perfect parent that prevents harm from all things.
In such a backward way, let's address a difficult question, what do you hope the basic fear will be for your child? Why was that your choice?
By looking inward and understanding your parenting perspective, we can intentionally interact with another human being, your child. By being a curious reporter, you lend yourself to a better understanding of what their fear is as well as their hope. Then, compassionately encourage healthy living and be cautious around topics approaching their basic fear.
For example, if my teen is a 2 and I have to provide accountability for a mistake they have made, I want to reinforce I love them before sharing the consequence of their actions. However, with a teen as a 1, I would share that I knew their mistake was perhaps not intentional; I think they’re a great kid regardless of the error, and I want to understand their decision before sharing the consequences since they will likely acknowledge the incoming consequences.
As with most things in life, this is challenging and not easy or fair. No one has ever said life with dignity was easy or fair. However, the more you practice understanding the uniqueness of your child/teen, the more you can support them and be a positive influence on their life they look to with security and a baseline knowledge that they are loved unconditionally.
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“Sometimes as parents, we think that by hiding our mistakes and imperfections and only revealing our best selves, we'll teach our children what is right. But this can have the opposite effect, leading children to feel they must be perfect to be loved... As such, we must also be ready and willing to admit when we've been wrong in our interactions with them and with others.”
Anna Lembke, MD in Dopamine Nation, P. 224